But I will.
I love going to the movies. Obviously. Buying a ticket, having it torn, finding my optimal seat, and sitting in the dark all of these are steps in a ritual that invokes the spell of the cinematic experience. And that spell begins with the first preview. I’m willing, eager in fact, to suspend my disbelief in order to become immersed in the world of the story.
The problem is that spell is so very, very easily broken. I’m not the only one who thinks this way either. My favorite description of this is from, I’m convinced, David Lynch (I say convinced because I can’t for the life of me find the exact quote anywhere).
It should come as a surprise to absolutely nobody, therefore, that my love of cinema is exactly matched by my disdain and contempt for the people who insist on shattering this most delicate of spells.
A wee etiquette lesson is, therefore, in order.
1) Your phone? Really? If you’re that important that you can’t tear yourself from your screen for the duration of a film, clearly you’re far too indispensable as to be out of contact for ninety or so minutes. Maybe film isn’t for you in your current profession. Conversely, you might be a super entitled, self-involved nitwit with your head so far up your ass that when your phone rings, your colon vibrates.
2) Why do people feel the need to inflict some kind of man-made scent on those around them? Breaking news: nobody wants to smell you. Not your partner, not anyone sitting near you, and certainly not anyone sitting on the opposite side of the theater. You don’t smell nice. You just smell. I don’t know what
reeking odor of death fragrance you’ve decided to marinate in, but it’s egregious. Didn’t you watch Queer Eye For The Straight Guy back in the early 2000s? “Spray, delay, and walk away,” they said. Better yet, don’t spray. Better better yet, stay home.
In the name of all that is good and holy For the love of god For the love of Hitchcock, shut the fuck up. If you have to explain everything to or ask for an interpretation of everything from your companion, maybe one of you A) has the attention span of a lightning bolt, B) is just fucking stupid, or C) both. Probably C.
4) Grow up. Okay, I know what you’re thinking. I must be talking about young folks. Grumble, grumble, damn kids, get off my lawn and all that. And, admittedly, I am a bit long in the tooth. The cruel irony is that, lately, the worst offenders are people my age and older. People who should know better. People who should probably have never been introduced to technology.
Come to think of it, y’know what? Get off my lawn!
Here endeth the lesson.