For anyone what hasn’t sorted it out yet, this is a blog. Specifically, my blog. I write it in my spare time because I love movies in general, horror movies in particular, and bad horror movies particularly in particular. I try to back up my ideas and opinions the best I can, but ultimately what I write here remains just that, an opinion. Mine. The expression of which provides me zero financial gain.
That said, these opinions sometimes meet with resistance, disbelief, dismissal, and occasional Vicious Mockery which can cause up to 4d4 Psychic Damage (I put this here for my RPG friends). Here then, is a list of some of my more, according to some folks, questionable horror movie opinions.
10. Zombies aren’t fast
This is the least controversial but possibly longest standing issue on this list, and it still has vehement adherents on either side. On the fast zombie side is the idea of the hive mind, like a colony of army ants. On the slow zombie side (where all right-thinking people are) is idea of profound brain damage due to brain death which, to me, would preclude any ability to run. You might argue that the first zombie we see in Night Of The Living Dead does, in fact, run after the car, but it’s more of an off-balance lunge than a full-on sprint.
9. 28 Days Later is not a zombie movie
Also not particularly controversial but worth pointing out. Zombies are the reanimated dead. The infected in 28 Days Later aren’t zombies because they never died and came back and are shown eventually starving to death. You can’t starve a zombie.
8. Zombies can’t come up out of the ground
This is a corollary to #10. Nowhere is it made clear that reanimation imbues one with superhuman strength. Therefore, a zombie can’t force its way out of a sealed coffin and at least a ton of dirt. At least not quickly.
7. Carrie White is the villain
Don’t get me wrong. Carrie wreaking havoc on ___ High’s class of ___ is a high water mark of “I don’t care what happens to these people” vengeance. Precious view of the victims have any likeable or redeeming qualities. But she does take out some innocent individuals, namely the gym teacher who at least attempted to look out for her. And while Carrie was bullied mercilessly, she does finally go on a murderous rampage.
6. Charlie And The Chocolate Factory is a horror movie
First of all Gene Wilder plays Willy Wonka as fun, charming, witty, and entertaining, but also manipulative, cruel, and remorseless. In other words, he’s a total sociopath. When we first meet him, he limps along with a cane then stops, does a forward roll, and pops right up. From the get go, we know we can’t trust this guy and should not take anything at face value. Second of all, that boat ride. Sheesh.
5. Rosemary’s Baby is way overrated
If this was the first movie I’d ever seen Mia Farrow in, I never would have watched her in anything else. Everything about Rosemary and Farrow’s portrayal of her I find profoundly irritating. I don’t know how or why people put this on any Scariest Movie lists. It bores me, instills no sense of tension or dread, the end is melodramatic, and the only thing the movie has going for it is Ruth Gordon.
4. Norman Bates is a serial killer
Yes, yes, the shower scene. One of the greatest sequences in cinema history. But there’s an important detail just before it. This ain’t Norman and Mother’s first rodeo. We know this because he moves a picture in the office and spies on Marion through a hole in the wall which brings Norman’s domineering Mother personality out as well. The point is, that hole was already there. It’s reasonable to assume this has been going on a while.
3. The Shape Of Water is a horror movie
I’ve had this argument a number of times to no avail. Folks insist it’s a love story and not horror. I’m saying it’s both. First of all, we have a monster dredged up out of the Amazon (as in Creature From The Black Lagoon). At one point it bites off two of Michael Shannon’s fingers. Shannon himself is a monstrous human being which is often Del Toro’s point–people are the real monsters. Sally Hawkins, it turns out, has gills and is therefore a human/fish-think hybrid that goes back to the water, and that, kids, is right the fuck out of Lovecraft. They may as well have just moved the whole thing from Baltimore to Innsmouth.
2. Dawn Of The Dead is not the greatest zombie movie ever made
I’m not saying it’s bad. I’m not saying it’s not a scathing allegory on consumerism. I’m just saying it’s not the be-all and end-all of the genre, and yet I keep hearing over and over that it is. I don’t get it.
And coming in at #1. Psycho is a christmas movie
I’ve talked about this before. If people want to argue that Die Hard and Lethal Weapon are christmas movies, which they are, then so is Psycho. The story starts on December 11. There are christmas decorations on the street lights as Marion drives through town. Ho. Ho. Ho.
And there you have it. Be sure to agree, disagree, add, or just come at me in the Comments.