It may sound kinda cliché, but with the exception of dolls and ventriloquist dummies, there ain’t much out there more terrifying than clowns. But is there a way to make clowns even more terrifying? Turns out there is. Have a clown played by Tiny Tim. Yeah, that Tiny Tim. Ukuleli 6’1″ stompin’ around in the god damn tulipa gesneriana Tiny Tim. It speaks volumes that he’s pretty much the high water mark of the movie. In fact, Blood Harvest opens with Tiny Tim singing. Jeebus.
Cut immediately to someone getting cut immediately. Seriously. There’s a good ol’ fashioned throat slittin’ before the 2-minute mark. We don’t know who dunnit, but don’t worry–that’ll become painfully obvious soon enough. Next we get a peek at the fine acting chops on one Itonia Salchek as Jill Robinson. “Itonia who?” I hear you ask. Well, your guess is as good as mine since she effectively vanished after this movie. Like seriously, I can’t find any information about her online (I mean, I didn’t search that exhaustively, but I made a decent enough effort).
After 24 minutes she spends a fair amount of time naked or topless. At one point, just after a shower where she almost gets scalded by the bad guy messing with the hot water line, she’s in her barely butt-covering robe and sitting in the kitchen laughing at Mervyn’s clown act which I don’t really understand because he’s fucking terrifying. After this, Mervyn sits outside Jill’s house on a creaky swing, the sound of which freaks her out. She calls the sheriff and stays put. At least she’s not a moron.
Whilst waiting for the law, Jill’s fiance Scott (a strapping 22-year-old Peter Krause) calls. She explains what’s going on and tells Scott how frightened she is, and we
can feel her tension get absolutely no sense of even mild apprehension from this scene. Anyway, the sheriff stops by only to bring Mervyn to the porch and ask Jill “What do you want me to do with him?” Inexplicably she says to just take him home. Any right-thinking person with even a miniscule sense of self-preservation would have said “Shoot him. Shoot him where he stands.” But I digress.
One cheap jump scare later, we discover Scott has shown up to surprise her. Well of course they commence to some he’n and she’n while good ol’ Gary peeps from outside and looks stricken. Bad stuff happens. This will be pretty much the pattern that plays itself out all the way up to about 1:13:46 or so–Mervyn appears and acts disturbingly weird, Jill walks around in various states of undress, Gary shows up, bad stuff happens. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.
Gary, incidentally, is Mervyn’s brother. Their parents are dead, and once the farm and parents are gone, all Gary and Mervyn have is each other. With the farm sold, Mervyn’s friends (the animals) are all dispatched, and he retreats entirely into what Gary calls “clown world.” It’s worth noting that next to him Itonia Salchek looks like the Oscar-winning actress of your choice.
Believe it or not, that’s about all anyone needs to know. There’s a little bloodlettin’ but not muchevents transpire exactly how one would likely expect them to, right down to the very last frame before the credits roll. Oh the predictability, oh them unresolved loose ends, oh that push-button land line, and oh Jill’s 80s off-center ponytail. On the other hand, Tiny Tim steals every scene he’s in and actually comes off like someone who knows what he’s doing. He’s way over the top most (but not quite all) of the time which makes him creepily fascinating to watch.
So yeah, this could have been so much better but oddly enough still has its own oddball little charms.
BODIES- 6 onscreen, 1 pig slaughtered offscreen
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