Right. So apparently some folks took issue with my saying the other day that “my gast is flabbered” and wanted to know why it wasn’t that my flabber was gasted. I was thinking along the lines of how, if one were embarrassed, one would be redfaced. One’s face would be red; hence, one’s gast would be flabbered. But now I realize that if one were gobsmacked or browbeaten, one’s gob or brow would be smacked or beaten, so one’s flabber could indeed be gasted. Plus saying something like “Well gast my flabber” sounds way better than the other way around.
Color me torn.
Anyway, just about 100 words is more than sufficient for that little semantic conundrum. Moving on. Still in a list kinda place, and speaking of folks taking issue with me, I thought it’d be kinda fun to sow a little more discord. It’s just another free service we provide here at Castle Blogferatu, and this is something that’s been kickin’ around in my head for a while.
And so, ladles and jellyspoons, for your dining and dancing pleasure, here is My Banished Movie List, films that I will never review (and in some cases won’t even watch). Hey, even John Waters has his limits. I know there are folks who will disagree with this list. And while I cast no aspersions on anyone who grooves on these kinds of things, I’m sure there are those who will not afford me the same consideration. Happily, my Cupboard Of Fucks has held nothing but dust for, well, a long time now.
I also wanna point out that I don’t think for a second any of these films should be banned. I don’t have to deal with them on here, so I’m not fixin’ to. “I don’t like it. I don’t have to see it” is a far cry from “I don’t like it. I don’t think you should be able to see it.” You do you.
A Serbian Film
Yeah, no. I can scarce overstate the vehemence of my refusal to watch this. High on the list of things I just don’t want or need in my life, visuals I don’t want in my head, are kiddie porn and child rape. Generally I don’t dig the exploitation of real life horrors for their shock value.
The Human Centipede
I know. I know. The first one has already achieved a disturbing level of iconic status. I don’t really understand why. In terms of story and filmmaking, The Human Centipede isn’t even particularly compelling. I haven’t seen the follow-ups, but I’ll probably force myself through the second at some point. I’m not in any hurry, and I won’t be reviewing any of them here. ATM porn is bad enough.
Not gonna see this one. I don’t like kids, but that doesn’t mean I wanna watch a movie where a couple psychopaths make sport of child murder. They also kill a dog which I’m just not having. There’s already too damn much of both in the real world. I understand Hanake’s point about the viewer’s complicity. Doesn’t mean I have to be one of the participants.
This is possibly the most complicated entry on this list. I remain eternally iffy about Darren Aronofsky. I liked Black Swan and found it mildly troubling. Pi was, for me, just fuckin’ weird. And Requiem For A Dream left me with a couple life scars. So it’s no surprise that I was hesitant about Mother! from the get-go. But as I said a couple times already, I don’t really need to blur the line between horror on film and horror in real life so…yeah.
It legit pains me to put Sleepaway Camp on this list as it’s still one of my favorite slasher flicks, but ethically I have no choice. The ableism, demonization of mental illness, and rabid transphobia of the entire storyline are just too much to ignore.
I actually liked Hostel a lot. The third one was pretty damn bad (loved the end though). I have yet to see Hostel II, but again I’m in no hurry. The so-called “torture porn” idea wore out fast enough. Adding misogyny to it? No thanks.
I mean, I get Fred Vogel’s point I guess, and I can definitely appreciate the super-underground nature of this series. But man…I felt like I needed a shower in hot bleach after I got through this. I have yet to muster up any kind of desire to see the two follow-ups. It’s weird cuz I like Vogel. He’s a smart guy, and I like his views about filmmaking. Redsin Tower and Sella Turcica are fine films. But Peter Mountain? Once was enough.
Rhymes with “finders keepers, losers weepers“
I don’t even like acknowledging the title much less the existence of this movie. Look it up, specifically the director whose name will never see print on this blog (yeah that’ll show ‘im). Yeah, yeah, debt to society, did his time blah blah blah. Sorry, my blog, and, again, nary a fuck in the cupboard.
And that’s the list so far. Feel free to disagree and/or lemme know what you won’t watch at all, ever watch again, or write about down in the Comments.
P.S. Man I’m in a pissy, cantankerous mood today. I was gonna put up a “Change My Mind” meme. Then I found out it was originated by that insufferable homophobic loudmouth dude-bro Steven Crowder.