Yesterday’s post got me thinking about movies that could use a good remake. Or even a so-so remake. Hell, in some cases even a bad remake couldn’t make things much worse. So here’s a sequel, cleverly entitled Remake Wishlist Part II. Again, a nice baker’s dozen, and again with my (ahem) highly regarded director suggestions.
1) Arnold, Eli Craig- Wow is this movie not good. Not bad…but not good. Definitely some unfortunate racist depictions that need eliminating. Otherwise, this could work nicely a couple of ways. One route is straight up horror. Up the blood and gore and play it sick. The other, which I think could be super entertaining, would be the Tucker & Dale route. That would be freakin’ high-larious.
2) Ben, Glen Morgan- Right. The list itself is a sequel, so expect one or two on here. Morgan did a good job remaking Willard (not to mention a super creepy kinda rat-faced Crispin Glover), so why not remake the follow-up? Plus who wouldn’t wanna see that cute as hell Gambian pouched rat again?
3) The Brain That Wouldn’t Die, Stuart Gordon- Why the hell not? Propping up Dr. Hill’s severed noggin on a spindle? Not to mention one of the greatest lines uttered in any horror movie: “Who’s going to believe a talking head? Get a job in a sideshow.” Gordon could make this one of the wackiest and sickest black comedies in the history of ever. Imagine the one-liners Jan In The Pan could crack! This could possibly be the funniest thing since Oedipus on Mother’s Day.
4) Dr. Phibes Rises Again, Darren Lyn Bousman- Come on. You had to see this one coming. If The Abominable Dr. Phibes was on Part I of this first list, how could the sequel not be part of this sequel? More Malcolm McDowell, more Bousman, more Saw franchise nastiness.
5) Hausu, Hitoshi Matsumoto- I can’t think of anyone better to remake and capitalize on the utter silly but macabre weirdness of Hausu than the man who brought the world Big Man Japan.
6) The House Next Door, James Wan- I’m always up for a good evil house movie. The book is a favorite of Stephen King and was, as far as I know, the only horror written by Anne Rivers Siddons. The 2006 Lifetime adaptation is surprisingly not completely terrible, but this could be sooo much spookier. I think maybe I’d stay away from Patrick Wilson. Then again, if you know the movie, you’ll understand when I say he might be nicely ironic as Kim Dougherty.
7) The Little Girl Who Lives Down The Lane, M. Night Shyamalan- Despite its cringeworthy flaws, I like this movie but think it could be even spookier. I’m not sure there’s enough of a twist for him, but I wouldn’t be mad about a Shyamalan-helmed redo.
8) Matango, Brandon Cronenberg- My first movie of his was Antiviral which had so much supericky body horror concepts, but not a one of ’em seemed like a ripoff of dear ol’ dad. Would love to see him take a stab at this Hodgson-inspired Toho effort.
9) Piñata: Survival Island, The Soska Sisters- It was very tempting to suggest the Soskas for Matango, but I’d already given them body horror props in Part I. But if you think in terms of Dead Hooker In A Trunk and “T Is For Torture Porn” from ABCs Of Death 2, the hijinks our college kids get up to in Piñata seem, to me, perfectly suited for the spin Badass and Geek could put on it.
10) The Picture Of Dorian Gray, Anna Biller- As I mentioned with The Stepford Wives in Part I, the stunning visuals Biller brought to The Love Witch would be both fascinating and grotesque especially with the big reveal at the end.
11) Spider Baby, Rob Zombie- I can’t think of anyone else who could do a better retelling of this twisted little flick. A very young Sid Haig was in the original and would have been great taking Lon Chaney Jr.’s role in the remake. I’d be tempted to have Bill Moseley take over Haig’s original character Ralph. Hell, why not throw Sherrie Moon Zombie in there as Virginia as well?
12) Two Thousand Maniacs, Jordan Peele OR Eli Roth- I’m of two minds on this one. I like the idea of Jordan Peele skewering some trump loving Qanon confederate right wingnuts and exposing them for the racist pieces of shit they are. But I’m unsure Peele is the guy to bring the gore I want. He might be. For a darker take, make the little backwoods Brigadoon from hell into a town that died at the hands of corporate greed and make the victims a bunch of suits. Then hand it to Roth.
13) Vampire Hunter D, Guillermo Del Toro- If you’re wondering what started me down this whole path today, here’s your culprit. It’s obviously been on my mind since I went and wrote about it yesterday. As soon as I typed out the title, I thought “Man I’d love to see this as an actual movie movie.” Seriously how great would that be? And I think vibes of Pan’s Labyrinth and Hellboy would combo up right nicely.
And there’s Part II. Got a remake you’ve always wanted to see happen? As always, let me know in the Comments!