Water is terrifying. Statistics that
were the very first ones I found on Google I painstakingly researched indicate that over 80% of the ocean remains unseen by human eyes as well as unexplored just in general. But hey, that’s the ocean, right? It’s huge. What do you expect?
Still…if you’re out on any reasonably sized lake, ask yourself–how, in fact, do you really know what’s actually down there? Yeah yeah, you can science at me all you want about DNA and Nessie and blah blah blah. That just tells me Nessie ain’t prehistoric. It doesn’t tell me there’s no monster. The final answer is you just don’t know for sure. So to keep you nice and safe on land, here’s a handfulla movies with lakes you definitely wanna stay the hell away from.
#5 Incident At Loch Ness
Even though he’s part of the subject of this movie and not its director, it’s encouraging to see Werner Herzog associated with found footage docu-style filmmaking. Gives it a little air of legitimacy. The plot involves a documentarian making a film about Herzog making a film about the Loch Ness monster. There’s a great deal of intrigue and duplicity, and somebody is getting the proverbial wool pulled over their eyes, but it’s never made clear who’s doing the pulling. There are some monster appearances, but even those are left up for question in terms of their veracity, and they make for some surprisingly creepy moments.
#4 Cabin Fever
This is a quick one. The lake here is, on one hand, incidental in terms of its use/appearance in the movie. Turns out thought that it’s integral to the plot in the sense that this is where the flesh-eating virus/bacteria/whatever the fuck originates from. And don’t even come near me with that 2016 remake.
#3 Lake Placid
Duh. I could make an entire list of nothing but gator and croc flicks, so I’m gonna limit myself to one here, and if you’re only gonna pick one, it may as well be one of the originators. Oh sure, Alligator was 1980, but that was a sewer gator. Anyway, Lake Placid has earned an unfair amount of shit talk over the last 20 years or so, and I’ve never understood why. It’s a fine creature feature, has some occasionally nifty special effects, and paved the way for stuff like Primeval, Rogue, Crawl, etc. Plus Betty White says “dick.”
#2 Zombie Lake
Basically Jess Franco and Jean Rollin’s rehashing of Shock Waves. But with a lake. And bad sound mixing. And pretty crappy FX. And a score that was, according to Tim Lucas in Video Watchdog, “taken from at least four other movies.” Don’t get me wrong. I love Franco and Rollin, and I dig this movie. But geez dudes. Still, the idea is solid. A love story, angry French villagers, a troop of executed Nazis, a lake called The Lake Of The Damned used as a dumping ground for the bodies, and numerous nekkid French girls accosted by the undead–the flick practically makes itself, or maybe should have. Rollin wouldn’t even put his actual name to it as director. It’s still entertaining as all get out though, both because and in spite of its many flaws.
Eaten Alive, Pirhana, Prophecy (the first has a rundown motel next to an alligator pen whilst the other two involve rivers)
#1 “The Raft,” Creepshow II
Man this unnerved me back in 1987. The rest of the movie is fine–not great but fine. But this one, perfectly situated as the centerpiece of the movie so you lead up to it then get to kinda recover from it during the final segment (“The Hitch-hiker,” which I don’t remember. At all. Even after reading a synopsis). Anyway. 4 yutes head out to a place called Cascade Beach. Once they swim out to a stationary raft out in the lake, the fun starts. Basically it’s a lakeside version of The Blob, kinda like a huge-normous amoeba. It’s gruesome. It’s disturbing. And the scene where the goo comes up between the wooden slats on the raft and gets on the girl’s face…
So stay the fuck outta the water is today’s message boos and ghouls, at least for a good hour after you eat.