Well, it’s a sad day here at Castle Blogferatu as we’ve had to bid farewell to the resident mouser, Bonny, aka BonBon, aka Fuzzy Bear, aka Super BonBon, aka Her Royal Majestic Graciousness. And yet, we must press on as we are, after all, total professionals. So in honor of The Bonster Monster and without any pussyfooting around, here are my Top 10 Horror Movie Cats.
#10 Lily, Lily C.A.T.
Okay, in this case, C.A.T. is Computerized Animal-Shaped Technological robot. Cute. Ripping off plot points from Alien, Aliens, The Thing, and possibly 2001: A Space Odyssey, Lily C.A.T. takes over the ship computer and possibly spreads bacteria that Syncam Corporation wants to study the effects of with no regard for the crew. But Lily? Badass.
#9 Every Cat in The Corpse Grinders
Helmed by the supergross Ted V. Mikels, this lower than low-budget sleaze fest centers on a down-and-out cat food company that starts grinding up dead bodies as a meat source. It sounds wwwaaayyy better than it ends up being. Still, the cats who eat said food turn on their owners, so I’d be fe-lyin’ if I said it wasn’t just a little fun to watch.
#8 Mutant Cat, Uninvited
Wow this movie is dumb, but there’s something imminently entertaining about a mutant cat with a lethally venomous bite that results in stuff like people’s neck veins exploding. And George Kennedy gets tossed overboard.
#7 White Cat, The Mummy
I love the fact that Arnold Vosloo, the most evil thing in the entire fucking desert, basically evaporates at the site of a cat. Plus Rachel Weisz is, well, the cat’s meow.
#6 Jonesy, Alien
You knew Jonesy was gonna be on this list. The first time I saw this, the second Harry Dean Stanton got deep-sixed, my immediate response is “Well. Somebody better save that fucking cat! I don’t care what the hell else happens.”
#5 The General, Cat’s Eye
This is the little guy who links all the stories together and saves Drew Barrymore in this much underrated Stephen King anthology.
#4 Every Cat in Sleepwalkers
Before The Mummy, there was Sleepwalkers. The cats are, of course, the highlight of the movie, but the return of Alice Krige is a respectable second.
#3 Winston “Church” Churchill, Pet Sematary (both)
Wow there’s a lot of Stephen King clawing its way on to this list. Oh well. Anyway, yeah, poor Church gets whacked by a truck, and that’s how all the fun and games get started. I know. The grey cat with the lit up eyes from the 1989 version is iconic and close to purrfect, but I just love this bedraggled guy. I think this would be a great tattoo.
#2 Blanche, Hausu
Wowzers (meowzers?) this movie is bananas. Blanche is a major part of the storyline, keeps appearing and getting referred to time and time again, and even has her own portrait on the wall.
The Black Cat (1934), The Black Cat (Fulci), Night Of The Demon, Two Evil Eyes, The Uncanny
#1 The Black Cat, Coraline
First of all, if you don’t think Coraline is a horror movie, I don’t know what the hell you were watching. Voiced by smooth bass of Keith David, The Cat is hands (paws?) down the coolest, smoothest character in the movie.
And that’s the list. I’m sure there will be a Part II as this is only, well, scratching the surface.
Author’s note: Hope it’s not bad form to, uh, litter the post with cat puns right now. That said, I also make jokes at funerals. I guess it’s a coping mechanism. Or I’m just a sick fuck. Or both. In my defense, I drafted this yesterday whilst I still had a sense of humor.