Well, as it happens in many a household, some kind of mild plague has swept through the confines of Castle Blogferatu despite our Prince Prospero-level efforts to keep the outside world at bay. My point is, I still had to, well, come up with at least a quick post for today, but I also didn’t wanna, um, regurgitate some of the same ol’ stuff. That said, let’s get to it so’s we can all burrow back into our racks, iron maidens, cages, and coffins.
And so, sorry as I am to bring this up, and definitely not for your dining and dancing pleasure (especially not dining), here are my Top 7 Moments In Horror Hurling.
#7 Soup’s On, The Exorcist
This had to start the list off. It’s iconic.
The only problem is that Father Karras just wipes it off. Of his face! Yeah, no. That’d be game over for me and pretty much everybody I know.
#6 Mezcal, Poltergeist 2
This is literally the only thing I remember from this movie. I was a big mezcal drinker in my day. A number of you have probably heard of Quaker Steak And Lube. Well, there useta was only one of those, and it was in Sharon, Pennsylvania in what literally useta was a Quaker State service station. Back then, if you got the mezcal shot with the worm, you got a T-shirt, and they wrote your name on a poster board. By the time I graduated college, I had, I dunno, 10 or so shirts. My point is, this put me off mezcal for a while.
#5 Open Wide, The Stuff
This movie was duuummb but entertaining as hell. The scene I’m talkin’ about here is the cavernous mouth-stretching scene in which the titular Stuff exits Garrett Morris.
#4 It’s Wafer-thin, Monty Python’s The Meaning Of Life
Yeah, not a horror movie, but it’s chock fulla black humor, and this scene is supergross. I mean, I can take a lot, but this one even made me flinch and turn my head away.
#3 Dog Bowl, Audition
This is a brief scene, but it’s on here because it’s the only one on this list that literally made me gag.
#2 Cherries, The Witches Of Eastwick
This is an extremely close 2nd I must say. I suppose the reason it’s not first is that it’s played fairly seriously and ends badly. Also, yes, that’s the same Veronica Cartwright that got a face fulla blood in Alien. It’s carries just a little dark humor with it in a “just desserts” kinda way, but does not bring with it the grim hilarity of our #1 spot.
Drag Me To Hell, The Fly, Hostel, The Sixth Sense
#1 The Pie Eating Contest, Stand By Me
I. Love. This! This is hands down my absolute favorite part of Stand By Me and one of my favorite set pieces in the history of ever. It’s disgusting. To go all Shakespeare-like, “My gorge rises at it.” But it’s fucking hilarious for its sheer over-the-top, cunning, black-hearted, mean-spirited vengeance. Under the right (or I suppose wrong) circumstances, I would do something like this. So…who wants blueberry??
So, curl up with your BRAT diet, maybe a little meclizine, and a nice cuppa tea, kiddies. Little fingers extended, Charles. In other words, pinkies up…Chuck.