It’s no secret at this point that I’m a big fan of Full Moon. They never pretend to be something they ain’t, and despite their unapologetically schlocky nature, there are still some legit creepy moments and more than decent scares. But there’s also the other end of the spectrum. No I don’t mean the sexploitation stuff like, I dunno, Virgins Of Sherwood Forest, but stuff in the horror genre that’s just a lot, even for the likes of the denizens of Castle Blogferatu.
Here then is a wee list of Full Moon Movies I Probably Won’t Get To Any Time Soon. I mean, on a dark, stormy night, when the pillars of heaven shake, it’s never certain how far down a given rabbit hole I’m willing to go, so who knows? In other wored, this is all subject to change. And to be fair, many of these are sequels, but still, here we go.
This probably isn’t really a horror movie as much as dystopian science fiction. Regardless, I’m not a big fan of animated or stop-motion kaiju. Gimme someone in a rubber suit any day. I’m therefore equally uninterested in giant robots. I’ve never seen a single Transformers cartoon, let alone any of the movies. And despite my love for Del Toro, I have yet to see anything Pacific Rim, so I’m not sure this one’s gonna do much for me. Besides, settling wars by having a couple towering killbots duke it out sounds less than dystopian. Sounds right civilized in fact.
Josh Kirby: Time Warrior
Again, more along the lines of science fiction. I like the premise. A weapon capable of universal destruction is broken into six pieces and scattered throughout time. It’s also got some horror elements, especially Chapter 3: Trapped On Toyworld. But it’s also family-oriented fare, so what horror there is probably won’t be enough to hold my interest. Plus, time travel stuff always confuses me and makes my head hurt. I guess that’s why I like Dr. Who so much. The time stuff doesn’t always make much sense to The Doctor either. Also, I see some Head Of The Family resemblance there.
WWII Italy. Aliens. Nazis. Allies. Conflicting interests. Clever using a Twilight Zone lookin’ font on the cover.
I’m not an enormous fan of Trancers, but I do like the idea. A criminal mastermind renders people into basically hypnotized zombies who look normal until their true nature is revealed through a special scanner held by the protagonist, Jack Deth (Tim Thomerson). I like Tim Thomerson, and I love the name Jack Deth. The story actually holds up fairly well for 4 sequels. But #6? Probably pass. For one thing, Jack Deth goes back in time and inhabits the body of his own daughter which is already kinda, well, icky. Plus, no more Tim Thomerson.
Most of the Gingerdead Man sequels
I will absolutely watch The Gingerdead Man for one reason and one reason only: Gary Busey. Yeah. He’s the voice of the Gingerdead Man. Plus, come on. The ashes of an executed murderer are sent to his mother who, as luck would have it, is a witch. She mixes the ashes with some gingerbread mix and leaves this at a local bakery. Look out Chucky and Pumpkinhead. And while the sequels, Gingerdead Man 2: Passion Of The Crust and Gingerdead Man 3: Saturday Night Cleaver, speak to every punny bone in my body, they might go beyond my boundaries of dumb.
Most of the Evil Bong sequels
To be fair, I’ll make myself watch the first Evil Bong sooner or later. A bong that pulls people into an alternate reality that is basically a strip joint from Hell. Why the fuck not? In fact, The Bong World functions kinda like Man-Thing’s Nexus Of All Realities. There’s a lotta crossover with the universes of other movies via appearances by other characters like Ooga Booga from Doll Graveyard, Ivan from Decadent Evil, even Jack Deth. I might even to take a hit or two off of Evil Bong II: King Bong. But that’s probably about as far as I’m willing to go. Plus I need to establish at least a little background before I break out the beer and pizza and more than happily have a go at what promises to be an absolute gem: