I haven’t done one of these in a while, so in keeping with yesterday’s foul mood, I thought it was high time to revisit the Vault Of Questionable Opinions. This is by no means an original idea. Nightmare Maven had the first one of these that I’d ever seen posted to her YouTube channel. There are also some good ones to be found on Possessed By Horror and Spooky Astronauts. In fact, some of these no doubt overlap with some of theirs. Let’s jump in.
#5 The Walking Dead is boring
I started reading The Walking Dead back in 2003. I made it through Vol. I and got about halfway through Vol. II before I lost interest. And it was sudden. I was right in the middle of a page and thought, “Yeah, I’m done with this.” I had the same problem as a beer drinker with IPAs. I used to drink them like they were goin’ outta style, then one night I was like, “These suck.” It was like somebody flipped a switch. Haven’t touched one since. Doesn’t help that double and triple IPAs smell like cat piss. You know I’m not wrong. Anyway, I was fairly keen to watch The Walking Dead when it hit AMC. Again, I made it through most of Season I and thought, “Nope. Not doin’ anything for me.”
#4 The Pet Sematary remake is just as good as the original
I don’t mean that either of these movies was fantastic (although I am in that minority that thinks they were underrated and unfairly panned). What I mean is they’re both pretty watchable, and I enjoyed them. Gage in the first movie was freakin’ terrifying, Mary Lambert did a nice job with the source material back in 1989, and the 2019 remake put a decent spin on both that and the original movie(whew, that ending though).
#3 Ed and Lorraine Warren were frauds
Not exactly breaking news here, but as opinions go, there’s lotsa folks out there in whom this could raise great wailing and gnashing of teeth. But I mean come on. As a major devotee of Houdini, Penn & Teller, James Randi, and Christopher Hitchins, I just can’t get on board with this crap. I have such loathing for these two and their opportunistic chicanery and showboating that it’s tough for me to even sit through any of the Conjuring flicks.
#2 Home invasion movies kinda suck
There’s an exception here and there, but all too often they boil down to the same pattern. Bad people come into a house. They assault, torture, and/or kill the people in the house. They people in the house try to hide and/or escape and/or fight back with varying degrees of success. Yawn. Attempts to flip this idea around seldom fare any better (I’m looking at you, Don’t Breathe). Again, there are exceptions. I thought Intruders was fun, with Beth Riesgraf (Parker from Leverage) as a housebound agoraphobe and Rory Culkin leading the intrusion. And if you mistakenly thought The Strangers (2008) was good, I urge you to check out the earlier and exponentially better French-Romanian Ils (2006).
#1 Wes Craven movies aren’t that great
I’m perfectly willing to die on this hill. There’s a Craven flick here and there that I regard with some fondness, like Deadly Friend, but by and large, I don’t get the appeal. I especially fail to understand why his movies are so often touted as being these major genre innovations. Scream was fun…ish. Don’t need to see it again. Don’t plan on seeing the rest of the franchise. Scream’s big “innovation” was killing off Drew Barrymore. Uh huh. Marion Crane anyone? I don’t understand the “importance” of Last House On The Left. It’s pretty standard grindhouse fare, and not very interesting at that. Nightmare On Elm Street was idiotic both in premise and execution. Seriously, it remains one of the dumbest movies I’ve ever seen. Admittedly, I will give some props to the cockroach scene in Dream Warriors.
Okay, there’s my list. I’d like to say, “Go ahead and come for me,” but let’s be honest, this ain’t no YouTube channel, so…