So this happened yesterday. I’m on a horror-related group on The Book Of Faces. It’s mainly horror/dark art posts, but the admins said I could go ahead and post links to my blog reviews. Generally not much happens. But yesterday, not only did I post about my VFW review than some yay-hoo gets on and says “This movie fucks.”
First of all, I don’t even know what that means. Second, my immediate reaction was “Don’t. Feed. The trolls.” But I gotta tellya, I just wouldn’t be me, The Wise And Benevolent Overlord Of Castle Blogferatu, if didn’t admit that there’s still a little piece o’ my brain that wants to reply “Didn’t ask but okay, whatever.” I know I shouldn’t do that, and that nothing good, useful, or of value will come of it.
But what I can do is make fun of him in the annals of this blog whilst throwing some other “second hand electric donkey bottom biters” under the bus as well with the Top 10 Movies People Are Stupid For Hating.
#10 VFW (2019)
I’m gonna start off since the dumbass comment I referred to above was kinda the impetus for this post. I’m not saying this was a great movie by any stretch of the imagination. But “This movie fucks?” Again, what the hell does that even mean? Are your keyboarding skill that bad that you hit F instead of S? How is that possible? It’s not even the same finger. Or is it some kinda weird compliment? Is it a great movie? No. Is it a fun FX romp? Hell yeah.
#9 The Haunting Of Molly Hartley (2008)
LA Weekly seemed especially to hate this movie, and The A.V. Club said it was “better suited for skittish cats than humans.” While I really like that description and will undoubtedly be stealing it outright at some point in the future, I actually liked this movie quite a bit. The overall feeling from Rotten Tomatoes (which I genuinely despise as a movie site) is summed up by whomever called it “lifeless…with a pedestrian plot and few scares.” I mean, it does start off with a father killing his daughter to save her from “the darkness.” I dunno. I found the movie to be pretty tense myself. I’m willing to bet that anyone who found this lifeless hasn’t seen Documenting The Witch Path.
#8 Halloween (2007)
I loved this version! I just don’t get the hate and vitriol people have for this movie. People can forgive Halloween IV and V but wanna crucify Rob Zombie? Fuck outta here. I like the backstory. I like how Michael is portrayed as a kid all the way up through adulthood. And you know I’m here for the bloodshed.
#7 Mandy (2018)
“The movie has no plot, no guidance, and no direction. It’s a slideshow of cool images and quite literally nothing else. People who like the movie really just like the imagery, because the plot is nothing.” I pulled this from some idiotic comment some idiotic reader left on some idiotic blogger’s “marginally less idiotic than the comment itself” review of Mandy. My blood pressure goes up when someone speaks for other people, especially if I’m one of those other people. I’ll give the commenter this, Mandy is indeed “a slideshow of cool images,” but those are merely the beginning. As for “no plot, no guidance, and no direction,” it’s an unhinged (even for him) Nicolas Cage avenging his dead wife against a gang of undead biker demons. But yeah, okay. You keep whining about plot.
#6 Hereditary (2018)
Right, so this one and the next 2 are not, by any stretch of the imagination, bad movies, but they all 3 drew down some fairly vicious hate that, as of this writing, still makes zero sense to me. Here’s a sample from some fuckwit I whose name I refuse to mention here:
Hereditary is a film so laborious, so tedious, so consummately PONDEROUS, I was writhing in my seat with frustration for at least eight hours of this 127-minute movie. Spoilers below, probably, I can’t tell yet because I’m still furious with this film, so I’m not sure of everything I’ll say. It’s not that Hereditary is the worst horror film ever made. That would be Manos: The Hands of Fate, which is exhausting even with Joel and the Bots mocking it.
Everything this waterhead feels about Hereditary is how I feel about his review which is made even worse by his use of all caps for “ponderous” and his super low-hanging fruit reference to Manos. Clearly this guy hasn’t seen I’m Thinking Of Ending Things. Hell the misdirection created by the trailer, that alone was worth the price of admission.
#5 Midsommar (2019)
Screenrant, at least in my experience, never misses an opportunity to miss an opportunity. I can’t think of any site that gets it wrong as routinely as Screenrant does. I mean, if I’m not the biggest contrarian my friends and acquaintances know, I’m for sure in the top 3. I guess being an insufferable pseudointellectual is how Mark Birrell keeps their “content fresh and relevant,” by missing the mark. Amongst Midsommar’s problems, he cites “a fatal lack of subtlety,” “over-stylization” (for a pscychedlic drug trip of a movie in which everyone is hallucinating most of the time), and that it’s an overly drawn out slasher flick. As is so often the case with guys like this, I dunno what movie he was watching.
#4 Psycho II (1983)
Yeah yeah, I run my mouth about this one wwwaaayyy too much. I can’t help it. I love this movie so. But I won’t belabor its praiseworthiness here. My major complaint with folks what didn’t like it is that it is/was often criticized for not being Psycho. Duh. Plus, it holds up nicely today by not being too stuck in the mire of looking all that 80s.
#3 Halloween III: Season Of The Witch (1982)
I’ve written about this before and mention it often, so like Psycho II I’m not gonna take up a whole lotta space on it here, but I think this movie is just about as fun as sci-fi horror gets. I mean, how many movies are there that manage to stitch together technology, witchcraft, human sacrifice, and Halloween?
#2 Death Bed: The Bed That Eats (1977)
I think the folks that classify this as a Z-grade horror flick that belongs only on a 50-movie compilation DVD are missing the point here. It’s a weird, trippy, surreal romp through a bizarro premise that ends up becoming so batshit crazy-8 bonkers that it ends up exuding a strange kind of appeal. Its detractors are likely taking the movie way more seriously than it takes itself. I mean come on. A guy’s hand gets eaten away, leaving a gleaming white skeleton hand, and he just carries on in a stoic “I think I’m okay” fashion without so much as a whimper of pain. There’s also a cheesy Pepto-Bismol gag that reinforces the movie’s self-awareness.
#1 I Spit On Your Grave (1978)
I have a tough time with this subgenre in general and this movie in particular. The “rape/revenge” label is super cringey as is the entire subgenre itself. But as uncomfortable as it makes me, as grindhouse fare goes, I have admit that, for good and/or ill, I really dig watching a woman dispatch a bunch of rapist scumbags by whatever brutal, bloody, violent means she sees fit. Roger Ebert famously hated it:
Attending it was one of the most depressing experiences of, my life. This is a film without a shred of artistic distinction. It lacks even simple craftsmanship. There is no possible motive for exhibiting it, other than the totally cynical hope that it might make money.
I mean, I get his point, and it is ridiculously violent, but I still disagree that it’s one of the worst movies ever made, and hating it to the point of dismissing it is a mistake.
And there you have it. I can only I hope I’ve annoyed someone who wrote some of this crap. Except Roger Ebert. I still love me some Roger Ebert. At least when he didn’t like something, he could write about it intelligently.