Thanksgiving isn’t a big deal here at Castle Blogferatu. Oh sure, there’s
someone something or other turning slowly on a spit in the cavernous fireplace over in the main ballroom along with some sort of minced substance baked into a pie or two. But by and large, just another Thursday around here.
But that does mean the thrift stores are closed. That makes Thrift Store Thursday slightly different today in that none of these are recent purchases. Instead they’re all titles I’ve picked up here and there over a number of years. But as it’s thanksgiving, I thought it was only right to compile a holiday appropriate feast. Here then, is a list of bird-related Thanksgiving Turkeys.
#5 Poultrygeist: Night Of The Chicken Dead
First of all, Lloyd Kaufman. Second of all, who in their right mind can pass up a black comedy horror musical? Well, I generally can. Cuz musicals. Ick. Bleh. But still. These other factors far outweigh the musicality. Basically a fried chicken joint, the American Chicken Bunker, sits atop a Native American burial ground. Mayhem, inappropriate relations with raw poultry, zombie chickens, and further hilarity ensue.
#4 Birdemic: Shock And Terror
What does one even say about something like this? I mean, when you look at something like Sharknado, you know that people are having fun with it. Everything about it is just ridiculously over the top. But Birdemic...you can’t help but feel like somebody was actually taking this seriously. Where Sharknado becomes strangely entertaining, Birdemic becomes painful and embarrassing to watch. And there’s a sequel!
#3 The Birds II: Land’s End
If you didn’t know there was a sequel, number yourself among the fortunate. And if you don’t know who Alan Smithee is, it’s well past time you learned. Y’see, any number of things can destroy a film for a director—lack of creative control, on-set tension, lack of cooperation among various studio and/or production and/or talent elements, or something just ending up being flat out god awful. When the results are disastrous enough that the director wants to disown the project completely, this is the director it gets attributed to. Tippi Hedron does make a cameo (but not as her original character), but supposedly hated the entire experience.
Arguably the biggest turkey on this list. Literally. The story involves a bird “as big as a battleship” that looks every bit as effective as an Ed Wood flying saucer. No description does this thing justice other than to rename it Attack Of The Giant Low-budget Muppet Bird.
I mean, what more need be said about a movie that proudly announces “Warning!!! Boobs In The First Second!” Compound that with the first line of dialogue: “Nice tits, bitch.” This movie is dumber than a flat-earther, sillier than the term “creation science,” and delivers enough cheese to cover an order of nachos the size of a billboard. So begins the saga of the demon turkey named, cleverly, Turkie. This could so easily have been a Troma flick, and unlike Birdemic, what makes it so ridiculously watchable is the fact that nobody took even a second of this seriously. And why, on a $3500 budget, would they? There’s a sequel I haven’t gotten to yet—Thankskilling 3—which has something to do with Turkie trying to kill anyone who’s seen or was involved with Thankskilling 2, a movie so bad Turkie doesn’t want anyone to know it ever existed.
So, grab a seat at the grown-ups table, gang. The turkey’s are served. And in the words of the aforementioned demon fowl himself, “Gobble gobble motherfucker.”