Sometimes it’s good to set aside the movie reviews for a minute. This is one of those times. Before I start, I have be honest (1). I totally stole this idea from Crackpot: The Obsessions Of John Waters. On page 24, you’ll find “Hatchet Piece (101 Things I Hate).” I’d like to say this was homage (2) to him, but as he said in This Filthy World, Rugrats used his Odorama idea and called it an homage. “A check would’ve been homage” was his response. So this is an outright rip-off. I think he’d understand.
I’ve always loved going to the movies. Still do, but somehow it gets more complicated the older I get. There’s first the eternal problem of finding a movie at a time and place I actually want to see it (3),and there are certain lines I simply will not cross. The only thing I avoid like the plague even more than a movie’s opening night (4) is going on any Friday night (5). Crowds (6) are nerve-wracking, and long lines (7) give me moderate angina. Getting to the movies is a no-win situation. If it’s at a nearby mall (8), there’s the drive to the place (9) and parking (10) to deal with which means there’s either a nearly full parking garage (11) or no parking garage, thereby guaranteeing a downpour (12) will start the second I get out of the car. No matter. Once I cross the threshold into the tranquil sanctuary that is the cinema, all will be well, right? Depends. For one thing, I’m always compulsively early. For everything. It’s only with undue effort that I’ve managed to scale this back considerably. When I was a teenager, I’d sometimes get to the theater two hours before showtime, and would still get completely stressed out (13) if there was traffic (14), construction (15), or just a slower than average driver (16) on my way there. Continue Reading